Time & Communication Heals

Give space when I’m sorry isn’t enough.

It’s hard right. To do that when all you want to know is how you could fix it. What can you do to make it better? How can you get past it and get things back to where they were? Can things get back to how it was before?

The unknowing can be scary as fuck.

Its the lack of trust that falls in between the cracks that get you even when you’re being completely honest. Its how you feel that they won’t be able to see past what you did or said wrong. The hurt and speculation will always be there and not matter how much they say they’re over it, its there nagging at the back of your mind and theirs, and it can be that way for a while whether you admit it out loud or not.

But what can you do once they say they’re over it right? Why do you feel the need to keep bringing it up if they said things are okay?

I can say that for me, even though things were finally talked through and me and hubby said that things were okay, I was still harboring onto the feelings that were left behind from our fight. From the last time we saw each other in person, we’ve been dealing with the argument via text. We finally were able to see each other face-to-face and get everything out in the open . Trying to stop a fight over the phone ore through text really is NOT the best way. Everything was taken out of context on both our ends.  We were finally able to get back to us after a few days of fighting and 2 days of really talking about everything.

He asked me “what is the best way for us to fix things and to understand?” I had to say by communicating. But even then I personally could not get it through to myself that things were okay. It was something I needed to work through on my own but also communicate to my love why I was feeling that way and how I was getting myself through it.

Personally here I was I did to heal the hurt

  • Speak about it. I try to convey everything I’m feeling ad everything that went through my mind about the situation with my love
  • Write it out. I write poetry when it all becomes too much to bare and my mind is constantly in a loop over the stressors
  • Burn some sage. with the sage burning I speak my affirmation to clear my heart, my spirit and the space around me of the hurt and negative energy while opening my self and feeding into my space positive thoughts, healing and love.
  • Meditate. With my healing Chakra crystals I sit and let the affirmations flow through me and speak my gratitude for the weight lifting off.

Love language played a huge part in my healing process as well. Physical touch is big for both of us so being able to finally touch each other and feel the truth after so many days apart made the weight a little lighter.

Again, this is what worked for us and our situation. But for all, time and communication works in healing a relationship from any trauma.

A.Soul

Advertisements

Relationship Goals #1

Hey all!

So sorry for the long absence but life has been a hectic these past few months – work, girls trip out of the country (Belize was magical!), publishing my first poetry book, going back to school for my masters in mental health counseling and maintaining my relationship with my fiance and things on his side.

A major relationship GOAL that I want to stress for all couples is finding a balance between the goals you have for yourself, the goals you have with your partner and all of life’s curve balls. Because trust me some things in life will throw all the plans you’ve made straight out the window and you will have to find the strength and fortitude to keep going on all counts.

I am happy to say that this weekend was a test of my fiance and I’s balance. Happy in that we are still keeping our balance and we find ways to do so.

Let me explain why.

We are still living separately at the moment and still looking for a spot in NYC (if you’re a NYer then you know the struggle completely) and it is both a strength builder for our relationship and our greatest headache. IF you’ve forgotten, QUALITY TIME and PHYSICAL TOUCH are our love language and we can only get that on the weekends. And with our new schedules that itself gets limited to one day or just a few hours at best.  So the buildup of negative energy as the days go by takes a toll on us. I like the think of our spending time together as a recharging of our spiritual batteries for the week until we can see each other again. He thinks of it in similar terms as the calm before the stormy week ( I hate his job. He hates it too). Let me not go too much on a tangent. Back to the happiness at our balance being tested.

I do not mind traveling to see my love. Hearing him stressing out over the amount of work he had to do and the fact that our went from friday to saturday to sunday and the sun was almost gone in the sky and I still hadnn’t seen him. I made up my mind to go from Queens to the Bronx and show up at his door with food. I was not going to

experience starting off the week without seeing him again.

a4614b35dc2c908084aa434b1fbafe8d-feeling-tired-quotes-feel-tired

We had the misfortune of going almost 3 weeks without each other one time and the way our energies was so backed up. We were irritable, withdrawn, angry. I felt so weighed down in my chest, like i was struggling to breathe. I was drowning in my missing him.

energy-relationship-1
Relationships & Energy

 

When I finally saw him, when I finally had him in my arms, it was like coming back to life after being in seclusion. Everything seemed brighter, my chest lighter. I could breathe easier.

 

So I made that trip and we laughed and we touched and we enjoyed each others company and I got a piece of my fill of him. This piece was just gonna have to tide me over and help keep the balance until next time.

You never know what your partner could be craving from you or starving for in the absence created by work and life and family and friends. Find a balance that suits you both. Be there for each other when the other is struggling to stay a float. Let them know that your in this together.

3837547-relationship-balance-quotes

How do you find balance in your relationship with your partner?

 

Breathe Life Into Your Relationship

It’s easy to fall into a routine with your significant other. It’s easy to get used to doing the same things over and over again. It’s easy to stop trying.

In light of the Easter holiday, here are a few simple tips to revitalize and renew your relationship:

  1. Remember the little things: Grand gestures are great but it’s the little things that are remembered more often. The many different ways to show your love, appreciation and affection are one. Listening and showing that their voice was heard is another.. you hear complaints and ailments often do something to alleviate that pressure or tension very once in a while to show that they are not alone. But don’t take over completely and make them feel as if they are incapable or their efforts are not even warranted or acknowledged any more. Its shows how much you pay attention and also shows how much you support one another.
  2. Take a trip: It doesn’t have to be somewhere far. It can even be a stay-cation in your very own city/town. But make it special, rent out on AirBnB, a bed and breakfast, a little hotel. Treat yourself as tourists and try something different. Got an artsy soul, go to a museum, see the new exhibits, find a new gallery opening, go to a new play or see an old favorite. Into music, I’m sure there are plenty of concerts or live band showings that you can find.
  3. Try something new: I’m all for spontaneity and trying out new things and lucky enough hubby goes along with my whims. Each venture is an adventure that creates memories that we can share with family and friends and eventually our kids in the future (should we get that blessed).
  4. Scrapbook it out: All I can say is keep the little things close to you, build a scrapbook and look back on how your story unfolded and grew into what it is today. I’ve learned from my brother and my mom to take as many pictures as often as you can. Sometimes, looking back on memories alone can become hazy but having something more concrete to look at can fill in the blanks.
  5. Bonding Rituals: I’ve learned the importance of having rituals in a relationship, whether it’s having a set day aside each week or month where its just the two of you alone (date night), or making each others favorite morning drink, making Sunday breakfast together, going for a morning walk together, making a certain time of the day your mediation time, or making a happiness jar and reading a few things out of it at the end of each month, etc.. It is up to you and your partner to find the rituals that work for you.
  6. Let it go: It’s inevitable that you and your partner will not always get along on everything. There will be disagreements, there will be escalation… but there has to be forgiveness and acceptance if you two want the keep up with forever together. Just ask yourself, “is it worth it?” ” Can you find a common ground?” Holding on to grudges and the stress that comes with it will create a rift in your foundation and tear that everything you’ve built the longer you two hold on to it. Relationships are about compromise, compassion, honesty, and trust. Sometimes you simply have to let the pieces fall where they may.

Set goals in breathing life into your relationship. Try to make it better than it was before you felt the need to rekindle the spark aflame. You think your spouse needs more support then support them. The relationship feels likes its in a rut then try something new. Getting drained in your everyday life then find time to get away and recharge yourselves. Don’t feel like I love you is enough, express this to your partner in a different way (make a card, create a spa day at home, get a coupes massage, try out a new body oil, a new cologne/perfume) tell them you appreciate them, remind them why you fell in love with them in the first place, what makes you fall in love with them now.

There are many opportunities out there, you just have to be willing to give it a shot

Bonding Rituals

In reading “The Spirit of Intimacy” there is a lot of talk of rituals that bind the spirits of the individuals to others, whether its their partner, their family, or their community. These rituals can bring the couple closer by giving them a ‘sacred space’ in which they can connect to each other. While the rituals talked about in the book are lost here in the modernized world there are some rituals that we engage in everyday with out partners

screenshot-2017-03-02-at-9-18-42-pmA simple morning ritual can be “I love you. I hope you have a great day hun”just as an afternoon ritual can be “How was your day?” ..  these can be done everyday showing interest in your partner’s well-being as much as your own. Hubby and I definitely try to get this done everyday.

Another kind of ritual is kissing every time you see each other. If I’m going to see hubby before anything else, I  have to give him his kiss first or vice versa, he’ll visit me and give me a kiss before saying hi to anyone else. Its the same with leaving, we always depart with a kiss.

Bonding can be done in nature, in cuddle sessions, in working out together, the random date nights or game nights

Make-up-crazy-nicknames-for-each-other.jpg (640×302)

The relationship rituals are whatever works for you. Its the little things that you’ve been doing all along, the goals you’ve set for yourselves, the bar or restaurant you frequent, the bench in the park you always sit at, the way you cuddle up at nighttime, the way you cook together on the weekends, the kisses your partner gives you before they get out of bed, etc…

Al of these tings brings you closer and leave an impression on your heart for a lifetime. Its all the little things that keep you falling more in love with them everyday…

Connect. Support. Build. Grow. Together. Love

Loves Notes with My Hubby

I love my future husband. He is an amazing individual with compassion, drive, focus, warmth, love, intellect, vulnerability, passion. He loves me more than I love him and I acknowledge and accept it.

I tell him this almost everyday.

Here are some messages we share with one another:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

This is our everyday. Just sharing how much we love and cherish each other, how much we love our gravity and communication, how in awe we are that years later we still have a great thing going and growing.

This is a real relationship goal.

And yes work is put in to it everyday, but we make our relationship worth fighting for.

Write your loved one a note and share how you feel, sometimes the best expression is a simple, hand written “I love you”

Enjoy.

 

Balancing Money Matters

 

Being in a relationship with a mindset that you have to do everything on your own and not depend on others to do it for you can take a while to break. Trust me I know. It took a while for me to get used to hubby paying for our nights out most of the time since I was in the mindset that I could pay for myself or he doesn’t have to pay for everything. It took me some time to understand that it was what he saw himself doing for me, for us. He wanted to show that he can provide for us. That he was able to do it. That he was the ‘man’. He KNEW that I could do it but wanted me to not have to.

Money-and-relationships-550x370.jpg (550×370)
Photo Credit: Your Money Matters

 

With society wanting us to be ‘independent women’ relying on no one for anything its hard to take that step back and let someone take care of us. For men with society telling them they need to be the ‘providers’ in the relationship in all aspects, again its hard for them to take that step back from time-to-time and let the women take the lead without feeling like they’re losing their masculinity.

Being in a relationship means that there need to be a balance communicated between the two of you whether it’s with money or anything else that you feel needs to be taken care of. Talking to each other helps. Don’t let frustrations build up to the last minute and then there is a huge rift formed between you too by keeping things at bay for a long time.

84c91d01cb1f46503804323f42e5ba42.jpg (394×388)

While I may get frustrated with my lack of money to put towards the goals we have together (buying a home), I have to understand my limitations as well. Always recognize your limitations as well as you can, it gives you room to accept and grow beyond them within your means.

My coworker and her Beau had a similar occurrence where MONEY MATTERS disturbed their peace. Again the mindset that he had to provide and pay for everything was overwhelming for HIM, but its not what she was ASKING for. As complicated as people like to think women are, its only because they are not paying attention or really listening. Like most established women she CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF, all she wanted was a bit of his time, his company. She DID NOT ASK for his money, she did not say they needed to go out and do anything, all she wanted was his TIME.
8401fd1f56fee5c7476668f2cf314535.jpg (236×236)           3f91bf257ec51a04d0339a7ce4cdbd38.jpg (564×564)

For someone whose love language is QUALITY TIME, I understand that feeling. I don’t need to go out and spend time with you, I can stay in and spend time with you.

Every moment does not need to be spent in the company of others but there need to be more moments in the company of each other.

Again COMMUNICATE to each other about MONEY MATTERS when they arise, there is nothing shameful about it. It shows a growth and a degree of trust for both of you. You’re making yourselves vulnerable to each other and willing to put it aside to upfront with each other to discuss something important to you. While he conversation may not always turn out the way you want it to, at least it’s out in the open now.

Communicate.Support.Share.Balance.Create.Love

Intellectual, Financial, & Recreational Intimacy

These are pretty much self explanatory but i’ll delve into each for a bit.

00c2a1fdd4683afccb2cccf905d6133d.jpg (564×559)

Intellectual Intimacy speaks of how your minds connect. Do your conversations hold weight? Are you taking in each others opinions? Are you making yourself aware of where you both stand on certain topics? First and foremost….

  • Are you listening to each other?
  • Are you leaving yourselves open to discussion?
  • Are you making your relationship a safe space to talk?

I can honestly say that this is not an issue for hubby and I, like I’ve said before we speak about anything ad everything. Our relationship os founded on communication before anything else. If we cannot speak about it now then we’ll wait until the other is ready. No one is forced or coerced into speaking before they are ready.You should never feel like you have to talk about something before you’re ready. you should want and feel the need to get it off your chest ad then do so.

Financial Intimacy can be anything but money, right? Nope. It’s all about the money. As much as we may try to be rich in other things, money is still needed. Speak with your partner about your financial goals, See what has to be handled individually and what can be handled together. Speak about any debt that needs to be handled at the beginning of your relationship or when it arises when you speak about your financial goals.

Save together. Do money challenges together. Be one another’s accountability partners.

As much as I hate relying on others in terms of money, I’ve learned with hubby, that one of the traits as a PROVIDER that he sees for himself is being able to support us financially. Now I don’t always agree and have to remind him of one of our promises/vows to “share the load” but I can’t always do so due to my own bills and debt I’m handling on my own at home. So he understands but I’ll still argue from time to time when I see its stressing him, especially when we’re saving to buy our future home wherever in the NYC that may be for now.

financial-intimacy.jpg (500×388)
Photo Credit: RomanoWealth

 

Recreational Intimacy is a different from of Physical Intimacy. In that it’s how you play together. Its the date nights. Its the walks you talk. Its game nights. Its working out together.

Pretty much how you have fun and spend time together.

So we can all say that recreational intimacy is not much of a problem for any of us. LOL

But if you get stuck into a routine… don’t fret, there are always things you can do to spice things up.. Take a coking class together, take dance classes, do a Paint-n-Sip, go wine tasting, head to a bookstore, go to a new museum exhibit, take a spa day, take a few sex education workshops (trust me they’re fun!), or visit one of the stores and examine new toys, outfits, games.

I did this with hubby, we didn’t walk out with anything more than a few ideas for when we really want to spice things up. Which is always.

Try some things out or examine what you already do with your other have and see what areas can be worked on. Trust me no relationship is perfect and as okay as you may think things are your partner can feel differently.

So again, COMMUNICATE!!!

All the advice, tips, or whatever you get means nothing if you don’t talk to your partner. Before you go spreading your problems to the world, respect your partner enough to speak to them first.

Love. Respect. Trust. Care. Support. Communicate