Relationship Goals #1

Hey all!

So sorry for the long absence but life has been a hectic these past few months – work, girls trip out of the country (Belize was magical!), publishing my first poetry book, going back to school for my masters in mental health counseling and maintaining my relationship with my fiance and things on his side.

A major relationship GOAL that I want to stress for all couples is finding a balance between the goals you have for yourself, the goals you have with your partner and all of life’s curve balls. Because trust me some things in life will throw all the plans you’ve made straight out the window and you will have to find the strength and fortitude to keep going on all counts.

I am happy to say that this weekend was a test of my fiance and I’s balance. Happy in that we are still keeping our balance and we find ways to do so.

Let me explain why.

We are still living separately at the moment and still looking for a spot in NYC (if you’re a NYer then you know the struggle completely) and it is both a strength builder for our relationship and our greatest headache. IF you’ve forgotten, QUALITY TIME and PHYSICAL TOUCH are our love language and we can only get that on the weekends. And with our new schedules that itself gets limited to one day or just a few hours at best.  So the buildup of negative energy as the days go by takes a toll on us. I like the think of our spending time together as a recharging of our spiritual batteries for the week until we can see each other again. He thinks of it in similar terms as the calm before the stormy week ( I hate his job. He hates it too). Let me not go too much on a tangent. Back to the happiness at our balance being tested.

I do not mind traveling to see my love. Hearing him stressing out over the amount of work he had to do and the fact that our went from friday to saturday to sunday and the sun was almost gone in the sky and I still hadnn’t seen him. I made up my mind to go from Queens to the Bronx and show up at his door with food. I was not going to

experience starting off the week without seeing him again.

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We had the misfortune of going almost 3 weeks without each other one time and the way our energies was so backed up. We were irritable, withdrawn, angry. I felt so weighed down in my chest, like i was struggling to breathe. I was drowning in my missing him.

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Relationships & Energy

 

When I finally saw him, when I finally had him in my arms, it was like coming back to life after being in seclusion. Everything seemed brighter, my chest lighter. I could breathe easier.

 

So I made that trip and we laughed and we touched and we enjoyed each others company and I got a piece of my fill of him. This piece was just gonna have to tide me over and help keep the balance until next time.

You never know what your partner could be craving from you or starving for in the absence created by work and life and family and friends. Find a balance that suits you both. Be there for each other when the other is struggling to stay a float. Let them know that your in this together.

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How do you find balance in your relationship with your partner?

 

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Breathe Life Into Your Relationship

It’s easy to fall into a routine with your significant other. It’s easy to get used to doing the same things over and over again. It’s easy to stop trying.

In light of the Easter holiday, here are a few simple tips to revitalize and renew your relationship:

  1. Remember the little things: Grand gestures are great but it’s the little things that are remembered more often. The many different ways to show your love, appreciation and affection are one. Listening and showing that their voice was heard is another.. you hear complaints and ailments often do something to alleviate that pressure or tension very once in a while to show that they are not alone. But don’t take over completely and make them feel as if they are incapable or their efforts are not even warranted or acknowledged any more. Its shows how much you pay attention and also shows how much you support one another.
  2. Take a trip: It doesn’t have to be somewhere far. It can even be a stay-cation in your very own city/town. But make it special, rent out on AirBnB, a bed and breakfast, a little hotel. Treat yourself as tourists and try something different. Got an artsy soul, go to a museum, see the new exhibits, find a new gallery opening, go to a new play or see an old favorite. Into music, I’m sure there are plenty of concerts or live band showings that you can find.
  3. Try something new: I’m all for spontaneity and trying out new things and lucky enough hubby goes along with my whims. Each venture is an adventure that creates memories that we can share with family and friends and eventually our kids in the future (should we get that blessed).
  4. Scrapbook it out: All I can say is keep the little things close to you, build a scrapbook and look back on how your story unfolded and grew into what it is today. I’ve learned from my brother and my mom to take as many pictures as often as you can. Sometimes, looking back on memories alone can become hazy but having something more concrete to look at can fill in the blanks.
  5. Bonding Rituals: I’ve learned the importance of having rituals in a relationship, whether it’s having a set day aside each week or month where its just the two of you alone (date night), or making each others favorite morning drink, making Sunday breakfast together, going for a morning walk together, making a certain time of the day your mediation time, or making a happiness jar and reading a few things out of it at the end of each month, etc.. It is up to you and your partner to find the rituals that work for you.
  6. Let it go: It’s inevitable that you and your partner will not always get along on everything. There will be disagreements, there will be escalation… but there has to be forgiveness and acceptance if you two want the keep up with forever together. Just ask yourself, “is it worth it?” ” Can you find a common ground?” Holding on to grudges and the stress that comes with it will create a rift in your foundation and tear that everything you’ve built the longer you two hold on to it. Relationships are about compromise, compassion, honesty, and trust. Sometimes you simply have to let the pieces fall where they may.

Set goals in breathing life into your relationship. Try to make it better than it was before you felt the need to rekindle the spark aflame. You think your spouse needs more support then support them. The relationship feels likes its in a rut then try something new. Getting drained in your everyday life then find time to get away and recharge yourselves. Don’t feel like I love you is enough, express this to your partner in a different way (make a card, create a spa day at home, get a coupes massage, try out a new body oil, a new cologne/perfume) tell them you appreciate them, remind them why you fell in love with them in the first place, what makes you fall in love with them now.

There are many opportunities out there, you just have to be willing to give it a shot

Lift Each Other Up

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So did you see the season finale of HBO’s Insecure?

Did you feel the same way as I did that Lawrence just left Issa after telling her he missed her and wanted to finally talk things through?

How upset were you that he ended up with the bank teller?

Nonplussed that he ended up with her right. It was coming in the long term. She was there supporting him when his actual girlfriend Issa was stuck in her own BS, not communicating with him about how she was feeling in their relationship, not motivating him to get up off the couch and do something with his life.

No, he had some other women in his ear boosting his confidence, making him feel good about his decisions, motivating him to do more.

As his partner, Issa should have done the same.

When you’re in a relationship for the long term, things are not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. SHIT HAPPENS. LIFE HAPPENS. It wont always be pretty. It’s also the tough times that help build solid foundations for you both. You know that you are both willing to communicate and fix the issue, rather than sweep it under the rug and let is fester over the years until you can’t take it anymore.

Tough times are learning situations for you both not ammunition for days when you’re angry at each other. Hurting your significant other should never be a goal. Using past mistakes and faults to hurt them is a NO No too.

I just want to stress the importance of being there for your partner. Supporting and encouraging them with whatever it is they are trying to do. For example my fiance loves playing basketball and wants to play overseas. However due to him getting older that window is getting smaller. He even talked about giving up basketball at one point. Knowing how much he loves ball, I wasn’t having it. SO using my feminine wiles (wink wink) I coaxed him back in to plying ball. Not giving up his dream just yet. Now he’s spending hours in the gym (I’m so loving the results… licking his abs is my favorite pass time lol), he’s balling with his cousins, he’s getting a few offers to play elsewhere. And I am happy that his hard work is being recognized.

Trust me there have been some times when I got jealous of that damn Spalding and I felt like I was secondary to basketball but I’m still there supporting him through the frustration of that damn ball. We have talked about it because it has interfered with our time on a few occasions but that is a topic for another day.

While you may not always agree on everything, ITS FINE. You don’t always have to agree on everything. You did not jump into a relationship with your mirror. It’s healthy to have arguments. But still show up. Show that you care. Give a damn about what your significant other is doing.

Don’t push them away and give someone else a chance to take what you two have been working/building on away.

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Communicate. Support. Love each other.