Hugh Prather & Communcation

Hey all, so I’m going through this training recommended by my mom for my job. It’s called Restorative Circles.

Basically, as the name implies, its a circle or group of individuals, that go through a learning/restoring process together by exploring different topics such as community building, feelings, listening, assertiveness, problem solving, diversity, and making differences by a exploring a series of readings and activities together.

Side Note: I am a Paraprofessional ( Teachers aide) for Grades PK-2

Any who, During the training we were given a reading by Hugh Prather, an excerpt from his book Notes to Myself (had to look it up because it was a really good excerpt!)

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This poem resonated so strongly in me what I want to instill in you about communication in a great relationship.

Communication is not just about talking to your partner, it is about connecting in ways that go beyond verbal conversation. We communicate through body language, we communicate in silence, we communicate through our eyes, we communicate through sighs…..

It’s about being naked and vulnerable and open to your partner, you willingness to expose yourself and share yourself with your partner and having them do the same to you.

It’s transcending from separate identities without holding back bits of yourself.

be open.

be willing.

expose yourself to each other.

in truth if you want to build forever, you need to communicate all parts yourself.

that is the best foundation for you to build on.

Communicate. Build. Trust. Support. Care. Love.

 

Holidays, Family, Friends and Love

The holidays can be a tough time on relationships. Or not. It all depends on the couple.

What hubby and I like to do during the holidays is take the time to visit each others families if available. At times it can be tough for me, I don’t drive and my house is the place to be for all family gatherings whether it’s family coming in or friends of family. As this is a year where we are celebrating after the loss of my brother, the addition of his daughter ,and also my other brothers daughter (I am the oldest of 5, with my younger siblings all boys). Its going to be an interesting time.

Family politics and all. Joy.

Back to hubby and I’s holiday partakings. He usually stops by on the way to see Grandma spends a few hours there since she’s a few blocks away and his dad is there, comes by me for an hour or so, and then we’re off to spend the rest of the evening with his family. Simple enough right.

Well yea, its a good plan. Just remember life loves to throw curveballs.

Last yea for thanksgiving, he invited me to Thanksgiving by him. He was gonna pic me up on the way in the evening and again stop by say hi to the fam, get in the family picture. all that good stuff. but he wasn’t feeling well so that put a dent in that plan. He did eventually end up being badgered into going, i just wasn’t with him. And that turned into his family thinking we broke up. I thought it was hilarious. This year again he didn’t stay long. With good reason, he had to drive to Jersey from Queens, understandable but again missed the picture lol.

All in all, I’m just saying it’s good to have a plan for the holidays. Whose house are you going to first, the easiest way to travel, joint gifts, time management. It might seem like nothing but it makes it a bit more enjoyable knowing that you’re not stressing yourself out and worrying that you’re leaving someone out during the festivities.

Game plans are necessary for stress free celebrations even with hiccups that may come your way. Plan , or at least try to plan, for the unexpected.

Communicate. Support. Celebrate. Love

Give Space

Supporting your partner is a fundamental in a relationship and most of the time you don’t even really have to do much but say “Baby  I got your back” or just physically be there to show that you care. IF you’re really into it then be their biggest cheerleader!

11fca4d533a930c679ae168545d03264.jpg (504×500)Other times you can just be a silent supporter and give them the space they need to clear their head and figure things out on their own. Trust me it’s frustrating when all you want to do is be there for them when you just end up pushing them further into their own problems.

It’s ok to step back and give them breathing room. Not every problem will be solved working together. Sometimes shit needs to be solved individually.

There have been moments when I caught that tone in hubby’s voice that he was shutting down and would be over with the conversation and while it hurts that I’m just trying to help figure out a way to solve the problem and all he’s doing is shutting me out, I get it. I also cant be mad.

Yea, I’ll be off for the rest of the day cause he’s off. But then he’ll call me later and apologize and eventually tell me, ON HIS OWN, what the problem really is. We give each other that kind of respect to our own persons to handle our situations on our own.

  • We don’t push each other to say things before we’re ready.
  • We don’t demand explanations up front.
  • We don’t crowd and overwhelm each other for answers.
  • We know when to back away.
  • We know when a simple hug and kiss or a walk away to clear ones head is needed.
  • We know when not to speak.

I’m lucky that we have that kind of relationship where open communication is important to both of us. And while we may not want to talk about a situation then and there, eventually it will come out.

Really, we can’t hide squat from each other. There really is480966116-i-wont-give-up-lyrics-love-quotes.png (300×375) a 6th sense when something is wrong at times.
This kind of support comes from really knowing your partner, when to push them and not give into their bullshit and when to back away and give them your silent support. It won always come easy sometimes we may go to far but its done in love. Things will work out the way it’s supposed to in the end.

Love. Communicate. Support. Prosper.

Backseat To Their Goals

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Photo Credit: Google Search

So recently, hubby and I had to have a talk (always talking with us) and it was something that was a long time coming.

We’re both adults, very career minded, and always looking for ways to get further with out goals.

However (there’s that word)…. what happened to the time for US?

See hubby and I don’t live together and we live boroughs apart in NYC. So the time we do get to spend together is limited to weekends and some random days during the week for a spur of the moment date night.

So we cherish our quality time together.

But there are times when making moves towards our goals get in the way of our quality time. When canceled dates become more frequent, over booking ones self more common, or you know just plain old forgetting about plans cause you’ve been so busy.

Now understanding partners are hard to find when it comes to things like this.

While we (not essentially hubby and I) don’t want to compare how we support each other, we can’t help but notice how it starts to become one-sided. We say it doesn’t hurt or its okay, but underneath t all we’re tallying up everything that is being missed.

So yeah, hubby and I had a talk. We both made some points and I let it known that I do support him in everything he does but it hurts when we make these plans for months in advance, we talked on it often but in the end he still can’t make it to something I invited him to due to poor time management.

I get it things happen beyond our control: alarm doesn’t go off, the gym was closed due to cleaning, traffic on the highway, last-minute errands and such.

still,

It’s bothersome that it was so easily brushed aside.I know it wasn’t his intention to miss it but it’s not the first time with him.

It hurts to think that i can do everything in the world to support you but of the few times when it’s really important to me for you to be there and you keep missing it, then I’ll become mum, and not say anything anymore.

I don’t want that to keep happening. So we had a sit down and got both sides across. So yes, hubby is making moves, yes i support him while he does it. but support goes both ways. Showing up goes both ways. I may not express great interest in what he does but I still I’m there (there’s goes the tallying).

I’ll complain, I’ll vent but I know when to suck it up and take it until we can fully get back to US. Only because I know he is working on bettering himself for US that I will  take the backseat to his goals and let him focus. I will put my big girl panties on and smile for him because I know it bothers him since its bothering me. I push him to be better for himself, while he pushes to be better for us. 

I’m saying all this now, but I know that it will continue to happen until we get it right. This topic will be constantly revisited because we’re human and life always has other plans besides the plans we make for ourselves.

Love. Communicate. Support.

5 Love Languages

A great way to learn how to talk to your partner or just to learn the semantics behind their thoughts and actions concerning your relationship and their relationship with others…. is to learn their love language.

How do they express themselves towards you and others? How do they feel is the best way to receive love from others?

Learning their love language is a great tool in stopping many arguments based on quality time and physical touch; words of affirmation and acts of service or receiving gifts.

Take the the quiz here to find out the love language for your partner

Also The 5 Love Languagestake time to read the book to get a more in depth understanding of your love language and your pThe 5 Love Languages for Menartners love language. Also for the MEN out there, there is a love language book for you too ( I think i’ll get hubby a copy!)

Luckily hubby and I have similar love languages. Quality time is huge for both of us since we currently live apart at the moment. While physical touch follows closely behind.

Physical touch is a need for us.

With only getting time to be physically intimate on some weekends due to our schedules, just being able to sit and hold hands or rub/caress each other becomes important. To us touch is just about everything. Its calming. Brings a new breath into our lives before spending another hectic week apart. Being able to hold onto each other in a hug or a cuddle is relaxing. I’ll find myself just trailing my fingers along his skin, almost in a trance, and he just sits there with his eyes closed, body slowly unwinding from all the tension of work and working out. A kiss on the forehead when i catch his eye. He’ll play with my fingers, kiss them.

And we’ll be happy in that moment.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for words of affirmation but it took me awhile to get to that point of receiving compliments and praise and hearing how much he loves me. I wasn’t used to it. Having never gotten it in the way that he does it before. I was so bashful and amazed that he could express himself so freely around me while it took me weeks to realize that I could tell him i loved him too. After analyzing and over-analyzing my feelings for him. Also had to write it out. And that’s where we differ. His words of affirmation are verbal while mine are written. But we interchange accordingly.

Acts of service is something that we both work on as we grow. To offer help as the other needs it. To take up chores while the other is tired or stressing. To divide tasks to get things done more quickly. To go with your partner for a walk while they clear their head. To keep them motivated while they strive for their goals. Make coffee/tea snack while their work hard on a project. Be silent while they vent. Get tissue for tears. Cheer them on while they workout. Its all there.

Receiving gifts is not a big language for us. Though it is nice to get something, its more of something that we need more than something we want. For example hubby went to Uniqlo to pick up some new sweats and T’s and I’ve been meaning to go pick up their heat tech leggings for the winter. He called and asked if I wanted him to pick up anything while he was there so i asked him for the leggings and socks. Simple. Another example was our first Christmas together, before we started dating actually, and we exchanged gifts. He got me a book I’ve been looking for and I got him a flask with a set of 4 shot glasses and a funnel.  Honestly, our only Christmas of exchanging gifts. not that we haven’t asked each other but we don’t feel the need to get anything because we just want to be able to spend time together (our biggest love language is quality time).

What are you and your partners love languages? How do you keep that feeling alive in your relationship?

Think about.

Basics: Communication

My first three posts were all about communication because its important and I believe that it is the basis of a good relationship.

I believe it is the key to everything.

While actions speak louder than words at times, it is still better to talk things through because some actions might not always be what we think they are.

Most of us would not have made it this far into our relationships with actions alone. While words can hurt, they can also be revealing and truthful.  Be honest with yourself and your partner. Let them know what’s on your mind, how you feel, and how they’re making you feel.

Saying it is just as important as showing it.

While its not always easy to voice things out give yourself time to think about what you want to say, how you want to say it and when. The ‘when’ can be tricky though. It took me a good week or two to tell my fiance that I thought about suicide once when I got sick. The pain was that great those first two days that I just wanted it to end. I didn’t but still it crossed my mind.

While I didn’t HAVE to say anything to him, I NEEDED to and I WANTED to because we share everything with each other, there are no real secrets, just things in our past that are irrelevant to our future. We think we know each other better than others but we still have a lot to LEARN about each other.

I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that.

I know that conversations won’t always be easy. Hell it took me a week to admit my feelings to myself after he told me he was falling in love with me… then another week to be able to say it out loud and to his face.

Communication takes time. The ease of it takes time. And time is something that you two will have before you take that big leap. Or at least to consider in your relationship now.

As terrifying as it is to speak up its okay once I know we have the same fears or he reassures me that he has my back and we’ll make it through together.

But talking out loud doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes writing gets the job done better. That’s fine. You can create a communication book where everything you need to say can be written down. Trade it with your partner. Let them inside your head. Let he/she respond. Go back and forth until it becomes tiresome and all you wanna do is talk it out cause your hands are cramping and you’re developing carpal tunnel, LOL.

Either way you’re “talking” to each other.

And that’s the start.

Cuddle Conversations

Honestly these are the best kind of talks there is.

Why?… because, your vulnerable in your partners arms or space and ready to share whats on your mind.

I love these moments because they make my heart swell and burst with more love for my other half that I thought I had. These moments take my breath away because we share our feelings. We don’t shy away from them.

Mind you hubby didn’t know how to cuddle when we first started dating.

No, I’m being serious.

We were on our 2nd or 3rd date or something like that, out by the John Finley Walk in NYC (I’m a Queens, NY girl btw) curled up on each other and he asks me, “What is cuddling?”

I kid you not I looked at him funny and said “We’re cuddling right now”. He has his arm around my shoulders, my legs are on top of his, and my head is on his shoulder with my arm draped across his lap. We were cozy and cuddling and he didn’t know it. Smh.

Sad but its okay, our relationship consisted of a lot of first with each other.

But back to these cuddle conversations.

They are raw and revealing, honest and truthful. Our conversations usually consist of “Wow, when we first started this I never thought it would get this far” ” I’m blessed/grateful to have you in my life” “You mean the wold to me and I’m never letting you go” “You have my heart forever and always

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Awwwwwww…. I can’t wait for our next session.

These conversations are eye opening. Especially after great sex. Oooh taboo topic. She’s talking about sex, OMG this is great….. LOL

I know, I’m a clown. But great sex, makes for great cuddling, and great conversations.

If you can catch your breath or stay awake long enough to have those sessions! No lie it did happen a few times where hubby got me good and I just curled up into myself and knocked out for a bit.

TMI, oh well, grow up. Sex is not a taboo topic but society made it one. Why is it wrong to talk about something you enjoy when big business make so much money off it too?

Anywho, talk after sex, grab your other half in your arms, get some great skin to skin contact going, caress them, play in their hair, look into their eyes and say…….That was fucking awesome, I love you!!!! (he he he)

Not but after, just say “I love how you did this or that ” Or even “you’ve gotten better at ___” (cause my cowgirl/reverse cowgirl is on point now!) .

No really, i’ll be serious now!  Just say, I’m still in awe of the things to do to me and how you make me feel. If they want to explain. Then explain.

They will take what you say to heart as long as it’s from your heart.

Again, cuddle, talk, reveal yourself to your partner. They’ll appreciate your openness and you will get them to open up more to you as well.