Time & Communication Heals

Give space when I’m sorry isn’t enough.

It’s hard right. To do that when all you want to know is how you could fix it. What can you do to make it better? How can you get past it and get things back to where they were? Can things get back to how it was before?

The unknowing can be scary as fuck.

Its the lack of trust that falls in between the cracks that get you even when you’re being completely honest. Its how you feel that they won’t be able to see past what you did or said wrong. The hurt and speculation will always be there and not matter how much they say they’re over it, its there nagging at the back of your mind and theirs, and it can be that way for a while whether you admit it out loud or not.

But what can you do once they say they’re over it right? Why do you feel the need to keep bringing it up if they said things are okay?

I can say that for me, even though things were finally talked through and me and hubby said that things were okay, I was still harboring onto the feelings that were left behind from our fight. From the last time we saw each other in person, we’ve been dealing with the argument via text. We finally were able to see each other face-to-face and get everything out in the open . Trying to stop a fight over the phone ore through text really is NOT the best way. Everything was taken out of context on both our ends.  We were finally able to get back to us after a few days of fighting and 2 days of really talking about everything.

He asked me “what is the best way for us to fix things and to understand?” I had to say by communicating. But even then I personally could not get it through to myself that things were okay. It was something I needed to work through on my own but also communicate to my love why I was feeling that way and how I was getting myself through it.

Personally here I was I did to heal the hurt

  • Speak about it. I try to convey everything I’m feeling ad everything that went through my mind about the situation with my love
  • Write it out. I write poetry when it all becomes too much to bare and my mind is constantly in a loop over the stressors
  • Burn some sage. with the sage burning I speak my affirmation to clear my heart, my spirit and the space around me of the hurt and negative energy while opening my self and feeding into my space positive thoughts, healing and love.
  • Meditate. With my healing Chakra crystals I sit and let the affirmations flow through me and speak my gratitude for the weight lifting off.

Love language played a huge part in my healing process as well. Physical touch is big for both of us so being able to finally touch each other and feel the truth after so many days apart made the weight a little lighter.

Again, this is what worked for us and our situation. But for all, time and communication works in healing a relationship from any trauma.

A.Soul

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Mindfulness & Relationships

When you hear the term mindfulness what are your first thoughts?

When I hear mindfulness I automatically think if the phrase “Mindfulness and Meditation”. I think creating an awareness of myself and my feelings to create better interactions with others. When I am mindful of where I am at in that moment of time and how my reaction determines how the scene can play out with my significant other, I am acutely more aware of what I should say and how I should say it.

In relationships this can be a key factor in recognizing the space you need at time to get out of a funk, it can definitely help in those moments of anger, creating an awareness of the impact that your words and actions in the heat of the moment. Think of the arguments you’ve had with your partner. Think of the many times your words were taken out of context making the situation more worse as the argument wore on. Now think of how differently the situation would have been if you were more mindful of your words and actions. If you were more in tune with how you were feeling and put that into words instead of shouting out the first thing that came to mind.

There are many articles out there based on this topic but the one I enjoy the most is from the Huffington Post: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/mindfulness-relationships_b_3333709.html This article is very relate-able and gives great examples and even better explanations on how mindfulness and meditation can help improve the conditions in your relationship, how it creates better and more open communication with your other half, it gives room for more empathy and, it also gives room for bonding experiences between you both.

Working with my own partner in our meditation practices (together and apart) and working on our communication and speaking on just about anything and everything under the sun, even when we get caught up in our own funks and we need to say “I’m not ready to talk yet” (that is something that we are both working and growing in). we are becoming mindful of the effects we have on each other in these funks, mindful of the effect distance is having on each other, mindful of the goals we have for ourselves and each other. We are just a couple very in tune with each other’s mindsets, behaviors, and energies, as you can tell. And we worked with each other to get to this point.

How can you include mindfulness in your relationship?

Hugh Prather & Communcation

Hey all, so I’m going through this training recommended by my mom for my job. It’s called Restorative Circles.

Basically, as the name implies, its a circle or group of individuals, that go through a learning/restoring process together by exploring different topics such as community building, feelings, listening, assertiveness, problem solving, diversity, and making differences by a exploring a series of readings and activities together.

Side Note: I am a Paraprofessional ( Teachers aide) for Grades PK-2

Any who, During the training we were given a reading by Hugh Prather, an excerpt from his book Notes to Myself (had to look it up because it was a really good excerpt!)

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This poem resonated so strongly in me what I want to instill in you about communication in a great relationship.

Communication is not just about talking to your partner, it is about connecting in ways that go beyond verbal conversation. We communicate through body language, we communicate in silence, we communicate through our eyes, we communicate through sighs…..

It’s about being naked and vulnerable and open to your partner, you willingness to expose yourself and share yourself with your partner and having them do the same to you.

It’s transcending from separate identities without holding back bits of yourself.

be open.

be willing.

expose yourself to each other.

in truth if you want to build forever, you need to communicate all parts yourself.

that is the best foundation for you to build on.

Communicate. Build. Trust. Support. Care. Love.

 

Holidays, Family, Friends and Love

The holidays can be a tough time on relationships. Or not. It all depends on the couple.

What hubby and I like to do during the holidays is take the time to visit each others families if available. At times it can be tough for me, I don’t drive and my house is the place to be for all family gatherings whether it’s family coming in or friends of family. As this is a year where we are celebrating after the loss of my brother, the addition of his daughter ,and also my other brothers daughter (I am the oldest of 5, with my younger siblings all boys). Its going to be an interesting time.

Family politics and all. Joy.

Back to hubby and I’s holiday partakings. He usually stops by on the way to see Grandma spends a few hours there since she’s a few blocks away and his dad is there, comes by me for an hour or so, and then we’re off to spend the rest of the evening with his family. Simple enough right.

Well yea, its a good plan. Just remember life loves to throw curveballs.

Last yea for thanksgiving, he invited me to Thanksgiving by him. He was gonna pic me up on the way in the evening and again stop by say hi to the fam, get in the family picture. all that good stuff. but he wasn’t feeling well so that put a dent in that plan. He did eventually end up being badgered into going, i just wasn’t with him. And that turned into his family thinking we broke up. I thought it was hilarious. This year again he didn’t stay long. With good reason, he had to drive to Jersey from Queens, understandable but again missed the picture lol.

All in all, I’m just saying it’s good to have a plan for the holidays. Whose house are you going to first, the easiest way to travel, joint gifts, time management. It might seem like nothing but it makes it a bit more enjoyable knowing that you’re not stressing yourself out and worrying that you’re leaving someone out during the festivities.

Game plans are necessary for stress free celebrations even with hiccups that may come your way. Plan , or at least try to plan, for the unexpected.

Communicate. Support. Celebrate. Love

Give Space

Supporting your partner is a fundamental in a relationship and most of the time you don’t even really have to do much but say “Baby  I got your back” or just physically be there to show that you care. IF you’re really into it then be their biggest cheerleader!

11fca4d533a930c679ae168545d03264.jpg (504×500)Other times you can just be a silent supporter and give them the space they need to clear their head and figure things out on their own. Trust me it’s frustrating when all you want to do is be there for them when you just end up pushing them further into their own problems.

It’s ok to step back and give them breathing room. Not every problem will be solved working together. Sometimes shit needs to be solved individually.

There have been moments when I caught that tone in hubby’s voice that he was shutting down and would be over with the conversation and while it hurts that I’m just trying to help figure out a way to solve the problem and all he’s doing is shutting me out, I get it. I also cant be mad.

Yea, I’ll be off for the rest of the day cause he’s off. But then he’ll call me later and apologize and eventually tell me, ON HIS OWN, what the problem really is. We give each other that kind of respect to our own persons to handle our situations on our own.

  • We don’t push each other to say things before we’re ready.
  • We don’t demand explanations up front.
  • We don’t crowd and overwhelm each other for answers.
  • We know when to back away.
  • We know when a simple hug and kiss or a walk away to clear ones head is needed.
  • We know when not to speak.

I’m lucky that we have that kind of relationship where open communication is important to both of us. And while we may not want to talk about a situation then and there, eventually it will come out.

Really, we can’t hide squat from each other. There really is480966116-i-wont-give-up-lyrics-love-quotes.png (300×375) a 6th sense when something is wrong at times.
This kind of support comes from really knowing your partner, when to push them and not give into their bullshit and when to back away and give them your silent support. It won always come easy sometimes we may go to far but its done in love. Things will work out the way it’s supposed to in the end.

Love. Communicate. Support. Prosper.

Backseat To Their Goals

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Photo Credit: Google Search

So recently, hubby and I had to have a talk (always talking with us) and it was something that was a long time coming.

We’re both adults, very career minded, and always looking for ways to get further with out goals.

However (there’s that word)…. what happened to the time for US?

See hubby and I don’t live together and we live boroughs apart in NYC. So the time we do get to spend together is limited to weekends and some random days during the week for a spur of the moment date night.

So we cherish our quality time together.

But there are times when making moves towards our goals get in the way of our quality time. When canceled dates become more frequent, over booking ones self more common, or you know just plain old forgetting about plans cause you’ve been so busy.

Now understanding partners are hard to find when it comes to things like this.

While we (not essentially hubby and I) don’t want to compare how we support each other, we can’t help but notice how it starts to become one-sided. We say it doesn’t hurt or its okay, but underneath t all we’re tallying up everything that is being missed.

So yeah, hubby and I had a talk. We both made some points and I let it known that I do support him in everything he does but it hurts when we make these plans for months in advance, we talked on it often but in the end he still can’t make it to something I invited him to due to poor time management.

I get it things happen beyond our control: alarm doesn’t go off, the gym was closed due to cleaning, traffic on the highway, last-minute errands and such.

still,

It’s bothersome that it was so easily brushed aside.I know it wasn’t his intention to miss it but it’s not the first time with him.

It hurts to think that i can do everything in the world to support you but of the few times when it’s really important to me for you to be there and you keep missing it, then I’ll become mum, and not say anything anymore.

I don’t want that to keep happening. So we had a sit down and got both sides across. So yes, hubby is making moves, yes i support him while he does it. but support goes both ways. Showing up goes both ways. I may not express great interest in what he does but I still I’m there (there’s goes the tallying).

I’ll complain, I’ll vent but I know when to suck it up and take it until we can fully get back to US. Only because I know he is working on bettering himself for US that I will  take the backseat to his goals and let him focus. I will put my big girl panties on and smile for him because I know it bothers him since its bothering me. I push him to be better for himself, while he pushes to be better for us. 

I’m saying all this now, but I know that it will continue to happen until we get it right. This topic will be constantly revisited because we’re human and life always has other plans besides the plans we make for ourselves.

Love. Communicate. Support.

5 Love Languages

A great way to learn how to talk to your partner or just to learn the semantics behind their thoughts and actions concerning your relationship and their relationship with others…. is to learn their love language.

How do they express themselves towards you and others? How do they feel is the best way to receive love from others?

Learning their love language is a great tool in stopping many arguments based on quality time and physical touch; words of affirmation and acts of service or receiving gifts.

Take the the quiz here to find out the love language for your partner

Also The 5 Love Languagestake time to read the book to get a more in depth understanding of your love language and your pThe 5 Love Languages for Menartners love language. Also for the MEN out there, there is a love language book for you too ( I think i’ll get hubby a copy!)

Luckily hubby and I have similar love languages. Quality time is huge for both of us since we currently live apart at the moment. While physical touch follows closely behind.

Physical touch is a need for us.

With only getting time to be physically intimate on some weekends due to our schedules, just being able to sit and hold hands or rub/caress each other becomes important. To us touch is just about everything. Its calming. Brings a new breath into our lives before spending another hectic week apart. Being able to hold onto each other in a hug or a cuddle is relaxing. I’ll find myself just trailing my fingers along his skin, almost in a trance, and he just sits there with his eyes closed, body slowly unwinding from all the tension of work and working out. A kiss on the forehead when i catch his eye. He’ll play with my fingers, kiss them.

And we’ll be happy in that moment.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for words of affirmation but it took me awhile to get to that point of receiving compliments and praise and hearing how much he loves me. I wasn’t used to it. Having never gotten it in the way that he does it before. I was so bashful and amazed that he could express himself so freely around me while it took me weeks to realize that I could tell him i loved him too. After analyzing and over-analyzing my feelings for him. Also had to write it out. And that’s where we differ. His words of affirmation are verbal while mine are written. But we interchange accordingly.

Acts of service is something that we both work on as we grow. To offer help as the other needs it. To take up chores while the other is tired or stressing. To divide tasks to get things done more quickly. To go with your partner for a walk while they clear their head. To keep them motivated while they strive for their goals. Make coffee/tea snack while their work hard on a project. Be silent while they vent. Get tissue for tears. Cheer them on while they workout. Its all there.

Receiving gifts is not a big language for us. Though it is nice to get something, its more of something that we need more than something we want. For example hubby went to Uniqlo to pick up some new sweats and T’s and I’ve been meaning to go pick up their heat tech leggings for the winter. He called and asked if I wanted him to pick up anything while he was there so i asked him for the leggings and socks. Simple. Another example was our first Christmas together, before we started dating actually, and we exchanged gifts. He got me a book I’ve been looking for and I got him a flask with a set of 4 shot glasses and a funnel.  Honestly, our only Christmas of exchanging gifts. not that we haven’t asked each other but we don’t feel the need to get anything because we just want to be able to spend time together (our biggest love language is quality time).

What are you and your partners love languages? How do you keep that feeling alive in your relationship?

Think about.