Late 20 something lady, on the cusp of adulthood. In a long term relationship that is entering into the marriage stage. Still finding myself in terms of my relationship with my family and friends. Love my future husband immensely and want to share the successes in what we think may a great, long-lasting relationship work.
*Affirmations can be said as many times as needed. YOu can do them alone but doing it with your partner sparks conversation. Such as “why do you need this sort of affirmation this week or today?” What do you need me my support on/with?*
It’s hard right. To do that when all you want to know is how you could fix it. What can you do to make it better? How can you get past it and get things back to where they were? Can things get back to how it was before?
The unknowing can be scary as fuck.
Its the lack of trust that falls in between the cracks that get you even when you’re being completely honest. Its how you feel that they won’t be able to see past what you did or said wrong. The hurt and speculation will always be there and not matter how much they say they’re over it, its there nagging at the back of your mind and theirs, and it can be that way for a while whether you admit it out loud or not.
But what can you do once they say they’re over it right? Why do you feel the need to keep bringing it up if they said things are okay?
I can say that for me, even though things were finally talked through and me and hubby said that things were okay, I was still harboring onto the feelings that were left behind from our fight. From the last time we saw each other in person, we’ve been dealing with the argument via text. We finally were able to see each other face-to-face and get everything out in the open . Trying to stop a fight over the phone ore through text really is NOT the best way. Everything was taken out of context on both our ends. We were finally able to get back to us after a few days of fighting and 2 days of really talking about everything.
He asked me “what is the best way for us to fix things and to understand?” I had to say by communicating. But even then I personally could not get it through to myself that things were okay. It was something I needed to work through on my own but also communicate to my love why I was feeling that way and how I was getting myself through it.
Personally here I was I did to heal the hurt
Speak about it. I try to convey everything I’m feeling ad everything that went through my mind about the situation with my love
Write it out. I write poetry when it all becomes too much to bare and my mind is constantly in a loop over the stressors
Burn some sage. with the sage burning I speak my affirmation to clear my heart, my spirit and the space around me of the hurt and negative energy while opening my self and feeding into my space positive thoughts, healing and love.
Meditate. With my healing Chakra crystals I sit and let the affirmations flow through me and speak my gratitude for the weight lifting off.
Love language played a huge part in my healing process as well. Physical touch is big for both of us so being able to finally touch each other and feel the truth after so many days apart made the weight a little lighter.
Again, this is what worked for us and our situation. But for all, time and communication works in healing a relationship from any trauma.
When you hear the term mindfulness what are your first thoughts?
When I hear mindfulness I automatically think if the phrase “Mindfulness and Meditation”. I think creating an awareness of myself and my feelings to create better interactions with others. When I am mindful of where I am at in that moment of time and how my reaction determines how the scene can play out with my significant other, I am acutely more aware of what I should say and how I should say it.
In relationships this can be a key factor in recognizing the space you need at time to get out of a funk, it can definitely help in those moments of anger, creating an awareness of the impact that your words and actions in the heat of the moment. Think of the arguments you’ve had with your partner. Think of the many times your words were taken out of context making the situation more worse as the argument wore on. Now think of how differently the situation would have been if you were more mindful of your words and actions. If you were more in tune with how you were feeling and put that into words instead of shouting out the first thing that came to mind.
There are many articles out there based on this topic but the one I enjoy the most is from the Huffington Post: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/mindfulness-relationships_b_3333709.html This article is very relate-able and gives great examples and even better explanations on how mindfulness and meditation can help improve the conditions in your relationship, how it creates better and more open communication with your other half, it gives room for more empathy and, it also gives room for bonding experiences between you both.
Working with my own partner in our meditation practices (together and apart) and working on our communication and speaking on just about anything and everything under the sun, even when we get caught up in our own funks and we need to say “I’m not ready to talk yet” (that is something that we are both working and growing in). we are becoming mindful of the effects we have on each other in these funks, mindful of the effect distance is having on each other, mindful of the goals we have for ourselves and each other. We are just a couple very in tune with each other’s mindsets, behaviors, and energies, as you can tell. And we worked with each other to get to this point.
How can you include mindfulness in your relationship?
So sorry for the long absence but life has been a hectic these past few months – work, girls trip out of the country (Belize was magical!), publishing my first poetry book, going back to school for my masters in mental health counseling and maintaining my relationship with my fiance and things on his side.
A major relationship GOAL that I want to stress for all couples is finding a balance between the goals you have for yourself, the goals you have with your partner and all of life’s curve balls. Because trust me some things in life will throw all the plans you’ve made straight out the window and you will have to find the strength and fortitude to keep going on all counts.
I am happy to say that this weekend was a test of my fiance and I’s balance. Happy in that we are still keeping our balance and we find ways to do so.
Let me explain why.
We are still living separately at the moment and still looking for a spot in NYC (if you’re a NYer then you know the struggle completely) and it is both a strength builder for our relationship and our greatest headache. IF you’ve forgotten, QUALITY TIME and PHYSICAL TOUCH are our love language and we can only get that on the weekends. And with our new schedules that itself gets limited to one day or just a few hours at best. So the buildup of negative energy as the days go by takes a toll on us. I like the think of our spending time together as a recharging of our spiritual batteries for the week until we can see each other again. He thinks of it in similar terms as the calm before the stormy week ( I hate his job. He hates it too). Let me not go too much on a tangent. Back to the happiness at our balance being tested.
I do not mind traveling to see my love. Hearing him stressing out over the amount of work he had to do and the fact that our went from friday to saturday to sunday and the sun was almost gone in the sky and I still hadnn’t seen him. I made up my mind to go from Queens to the Bronx and show up at his door with food. I was not going to
experience starting off the week without seeing him again.
We had the misfortune of going almost 3 weeks without each other one time and the way our energies was so backed up. We were irritable, withdrawn, angry. I felt so weighed down in my chest, like i was struggling to breathe. I was drowning in my missing him.
When I finally saw him, when I finally had him in my arms, it was like coming back to life after being in seclusion. Everything seemed brighter, my chest lighter. I could breathe easier.
So I made that trip and we laughed and we touched and we enjoyed each others company and I got a piece of my fill of him. This piece was just gonna have to tide me over and help keep the balance until next time.
You never know what your partner could be craving from you or starving for in the absence created by work and life and family and friends. Find a balance that suits you both. Be there for each other when the other is struggling to stay a float. Let them know that your in this together.
How do you find balance in your relationship with your partner?
It’s easy to fall into a routine with your significant other. It’s easy to get used to doing the same things over and over again. It’s easy to stop trying.
In light of the Easter holiday, here are a few simple tips to revitalize and renew your relationship:
Remember the little things: Grand gestures are great but it’s the little things that are remembered more often. The many different ways to show your love, appreciation and affection are one. Listening and showing that their voice was heard is another.. you hear complaints and ailments often do something to alleviate that pressure or tension very once in a while to show that they are not alone. But don’t take over completely and make them feel as if they are incapable or their efforts are not even warranted or acknowledged any more. Its shows how much you pay attention and also shows how much you support one another.
Take a trip: It doesn’t have to be somewhere far. It can even be a stay-cation in your very own city/town. But make it special, rent out on AirBnB, a bed and breakfast, a little hotel. Treat yourself as tourists and try something different. Got an artsy soul, go to a museum, see the new exhibits, find a new gallery opening, go to a new play or see an old favorite. Into music, I’m sure there are plenty of concerts or live band showings that you can find.
Try something new: I’m all for spontaneity and trying out new things and lucky enough hubby goes along with my whims. Each venture is an adventure that creates memories that we can share with family and friends and eventually our kids in the future (should we get that blessed).
Scrapbook it out: All I can say is keep the little things close to you, build a scrapbook and look back on how your story unfolded and grew into what it is today. I’ve learned from my brother and my mom to take as many pictures as often as you can. Sometimes, looking back on memories alone can become hazy but having something more concrete to look at can fill in the blanks.
Bonding Rituals: I’ve learned the importance of having rituals in a relationship, whether it’s having a set day aside each week or month where its just the two of you alone (date night), or making each others favorite morning drink, making Sunday breakfast together, going for a morning walk together, making a certain time of the day your mediation time, or making a happiness jar and reading a few things out of it at the end of each month, etc.. It is up to you and your partner to find the rituals that work for you.
Let it go: It’s inevitable that you and your partner will not always get along on everything. There will be disagreements, there will be escalation… but there has to be forgiveness and acceptance if you two want the keep up with forever together. Just ask yourself, “is it worth it?” ” Can you find a common ground?” Holding on to grudges and the stress that comes with it will create a rift in your foundation and tear that everything you’ve built the longer you two hold on to it. Relationships are about compromise, compassion, honesty, and trust. Sometimes you simply have to let the pieces fall where they may.
Set goals in breathing life into your relationship. Try to make it better than it was before you felt the need to rekindle the spark aflame. You think your spouse needs more support then support them. The relationship feels likes its in a rut then try something new. Getting drained in your everyday life then find time to get away and recharge yourselves. Don’t feel like I love you is enough, express this to your partner in a different way (make a card, create a spa day at home, get a coupes massage, try out a new body oil, a new cologne/perfume) tell them you appreciate them, remind them why you fell in love with them in the first place, what makes you fall in love with them now.
There are many opportunities out there, you just have to be willing to give it a shot