Relationship Goals #1

Hey all!

So sorry for the long absence but life has been a hectic these past few months – work, girls trip out of the country (Belize was magical!), publishing my first poetry book, going back to school for my masters in mental health counseling and maintaining my relationship with my fiance and things on his side.

A major relationship GOAL that I want to stress for all couples is finding a balance between the goals you have for yourself, the goals you have with your partner and all of life’s curve balls. Because trust me some things in life will throw all the plans you’ve made straight out the window and you will have to find the strength and fortitude to keep going on all counts.

I am happy to say that this weekend was a test of my fiance and I’s balance. Happy in that we are still keeping our balance and we find ways to do so.

Let me explain why.

We are still living separately at the moment and still looking for a spot in NYC (if you’re a NYer then you know the struggle completely) and it is both a strength builder for our relationship and our greatest headache. IF you’ve forgotten, QUALITY TIME and PHYSICAL TOUCH are our love language and we can only get that on the weekends. And with our new schedules that itself gets limited to one day or just a few hours at best.  So the buildup of negative energy as the days go by takes a toll on us. I like the think of our spending time together as a recharging of our spiritual batteries for the week until we can see each other again. He thinks of it in similar terms as the calm before the stormy week ( I hate his job. He hates it too). Let me not go too much on a tangent. Back to the happiness at our balance being tested.

I do not mind traveling to see my love. Hearing him stressing out over the amount of work he had to do and the fact that our went from friday to saturday to sunday and the sun was almost gone in the sky and I still hadnn’t seen him. I made up my mind to go from Queens to the Bronx and show up at his door with food. I was not going to

experience starting off the week without seeing him again.

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We had the misfortune of going almost 3 weeks without each other one time and the way our energies was so backed up. We were irritable, withdrawn, angry. I felt so weighed down in my chest, like i was struggling to breathe. I was drowning in my missing him.

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Relationships & Energy

 

When I finally saw him, when I finally had him in my arms, it was like coming back to life after being in seclusion. Everything seemed brighter, my chest lighter. I could breathe easier.

 

So I made that trip and we laughed and we touched and we enjoyed each others company and I got a piece of my fill of him. This piece was just gonna have to tide me over and help keep the balance until next time.

You never know what your partner could be craving from you or starving for in the absence created by work and life and family and friends. Find a balance that suits you both. Be there for each other when the other is struggling to stay a float. Let them know that your in this together.

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How do you find balance in your relationship with your partner?

 

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Breathe Life Into Your Relationship

It’s easy to fall into a routine with your significant other. It’s easy to get used to doing the same things over and over again. It’s easy to stop trying.

In light of the Easter holiday, here are a few simple tips to revitalize and renew your relationship:

  1. Remember the little things: Grand gestures are great but it’s the little things that are remembered more often. The many different ways to show your love, appreciation and affection are one. Listening and showing that their voice was heard is another.. you hear complaints and ailments often do something to alleviate that pressure or tension very once in a while to show that they are not alone. But don’t take over completely and make them feel as if they are incapable or their efforts are not even warranted or acknowledged any more. Its shows how much you pay attention and also shows how much you support one another.
  2. Take a trip: It doesn’t have to be somewhere far. It can even be a stay-cation in your very own city/town. But make it special, rent out on AirBnB, a bed and breakfast, a little hotel. Treat yourself as tourists and try something different. Got an artsy soul, go to a museum, see the new exhibits, find a new gallery opening, go to a new play or see an old favorite. Into music, I’m sure there are plenty of concerts or live band showings that you can find.
  3. Try something new: I’m all for spontaneity and trying out new things and lucky enough hubby goes along with my whims. Each venture is an adventure that creates memories that we can share with family and friends and eventually our kids in the future (should we get that blessed).
  4. Scrapbook it out: All I can say is keep the little things close to you, build a scrapbook and look back on how your story unfolded and grew into what it is today. I’ve learned from my brother and my mom to take as many pictures as often as you can. Sometimes, looking back on memories alone can become hazy but having something more concrete to look at can fill in the blanks.
  5. Bonding Rituals: I’ve learned the importance of having rituals in a relationship, whether it’s having a set day aside each week or month where its just the two of you alone (date night), or making each others favorite morning drink, making Sunday breakfast together, going for a morning walk together, making a certain time of the day your mediation time, or making a happiness jar and reading a few things out of it at the end of each month, etc.. It is up to you and your partner to find the rituals that work for you.
  6. Let it go: It’s inevitable that you and your partner will not always get along on everything. There will be disagreements, there will be escalation… but there has to be forgiveness and acceptance if you two want the keep up with forever together. Just ask yourself, “is it worth it?” ” Can you find a common ground?” Holding on to grudges and the stress that comes with it will create a rift in your foundation and tear that everything you’ve built the longer you two hold on to it. Relationships are about compromise, compassion, honesty, and trust. Sometimes you simply have to let the pieces fall where they may.

Set goals in breathing life into your relationship. Try to make it better than it was before you felt the need to rekindle the spark aflame. You think your spouse needs more support then support them. The relationship feels likes its in a rut then try something new. Getting drained in your everyday life then find time to get away and recharge yourselves. Don’t feel like I love you is enough, express this to your partner in a different way (make a card, create a spa day at home, get a coupes massage, try out a new body oil, a new cologne/perfume) tell them you appreciate them, remind them why you fell in love with them in the first place, what makes you fall in love with them now.

There are many opportunities out there, you just have to be willing to give it a shot

Confession to My King

Dear Readers,

Know this… I praise hubby all the time, especially to his face. I love to remind him how much he means to mean often. Even if I’ve said it many times throughout the day sometimes I have to ask him,

Have I told you how much I love you yet?

I never get tired of telling him how I feel about him and I hope we never get to the point where it feels like a chore to get the words out or it becomes so inauthentic to hear those words anymore.

We sometimes go back and forth about how this all started with us. We reminisce on how we first saw each other, what went through our minds (him more so than me because I don’t remember much about our first encounter), and what was the over lasting impression. I love to hear him talk about the effect I had on him just from a simple wave hi. I love to think back to the first time I really saw him, and his smile, his smile was everything.

It took time for us to get here, to this point of no return to lives without each other, there were tough times but even more than that there were greater times. I’m still shocked that he told me he loved me first and I will always be in awe of that (and the fact that he really did put a ring on my finger!). I feel like we are still in that honeymoon phase but this is almost 5 years in and it doesn’t seem to be passing any time soon.

I hope not.

To go back to the topic of Relationship Killers at this point in time for us would be lack of trust and communication (which is why I always stress it so much). If it ever got to a point where we couldn’t talk to each other then that would be it. Doubt would spread in and it would be downhill from there.

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I have confessed my love to him over and over again and I have surrendered everything I have to him as well. I view him as my provider, protector, confidante, support, best friend, lover, husband… my king. I bask in his embrace over and over again. I take comfort in his warmth, his smile, his eyes, his love. I trust in him. I believe in him. I will follow him and lead him when necessary. I enjoy and relish in his company, our time together in that we are simply together.

This is my confession. I am his as much as he is mine.

What is your confession? How do you feel about your partner? How do you show/tell them?

Relationship Killers

Apologies for the lack of posts, March has been very eventful.. my brothers one year anniversary of his passing, I got promoted to executive director at the non-profit I work for (currently working on a huge self-care/love initiative for June), I wrote a poetry book (finally, in its editing phase) and I got accepted into my grad school program of choice!

But I can say that through it all, hubby has been by my side every step of the way. I honestly don’t know how things would be if we were different people solely focused on ourselves instead of working to build WITH each other.

With that said I started thinking of what it would take to break our bond. I saw this post which is very interesting…

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After building up the intimacy in a relationship, getting your communication down pact, and building up the pillars of support… there shouldn’t be any doubt about your partner.

But in the cases that there are it can be due to social media, lack of trust in yourself and/ or your partner, and inability to let things go, not giving any breathing room or space… or whatever else an insecure mind can think of…

All these things can break whatever strong bonds you THINK you may have.

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TALK to your partner, let your fears or doubts be known to them and yourself. You cannot hold onto things and think that they should know what bothering you when you haven’t made it known point blank.

We’re human, not mind readers, we get shit wrong, we don’t take ownership for everything, we are selfish in our wants and needs, so unless something is made known outright we will continue forward blissful and blind.

trust. love. support. communicate.

 

 

Bonding Rituals

In reading “The Spirit of Intimacy” there is a lot of talk of rituals that bind the spirits of the individuals to others, whether its their partner, their family, or their community. These rituals can bring the couple closer by giving them a ‘sacred space’ in which they can connect to each other. While the rituals talked about in the book are lost here in the modernized world there are some rituals that we engage in everyday with out partners

screenshot-2017-03-02-at-9-18-42-pmA simple morning ritual can be “I love you. I hope you have a great day hun”just as an afternoon ritual can be “How was your day?” ..  these can be done everyday showing interest in your partner’s well-being as much as your own. Hubby and I definitely try to get this done everyday.

Another kind of ritual is kissing every time you see each other. If I’m going to see hubby before anything else, I  have to give him his kiss first or vice versa, he’ll visit me and give me a kiss before saying hi to anyone else. Its the same with leaving, we always depart with a kiss.

Bonding can be done in nature, in cuddle sessions, in working out together, the random date nights or game nights

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The relationship rituals are whatever works for you. Its the little things that you’ve been doing all along, the goals you’ve set for yourselves, the bar or restaurant you frequent, the bench in the park you always sit at, the way you cuddle up at nighttime, the way you cook together on the weekends, the kisses your partner gives you before they get out of bed, etc…

Al of these tings brings you closer and leave an impression on your heart for a lifetime. Its all the little things that keep you falling more in love with them everyday…

Connect. Support. Build. Grow. Together. Love

New Read: The Spirit of Intimacy

The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationship by Sobonfu Somé

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Following @ALifeBalanced on IG, I came across their post for this book and immediately I had to get it. It just felt right to me. Reading through it (currently on chapter 6 cause another book caught my eye) I realize the importance of the teachings within it so far.

The “spirit” in the book speaks not only of the way we connect to nature but also of the way we ‘speak’ to our ancestors for help in our troubles, for answers, or showing the way, the way we connect to the family and friends within out community, the way we connect with our partners. It’s all about using those resources to have a great functioning relationship, which can be hard with some family members or friends that go against what you are trying to build with your partner. They are not invested in seeing your relationship thrive. This is about not just minimizing your circle but enlarging it as well. Giving yourself your inner circle of close girlfriends/guy-friends who can offer the support and guidance, that your partners male/female friends will offer him without the stint of jealousy lurking behind their words.

It also touches on getting back to communication without technology (kind of hard these days but doable on occasion), falling back to some of the teachings your grandmother, great grandmother put on you when you were younger, realizing the masculine and feminine in us all (that we have strong and weak sides to ourselves and it is NATURAL), that as much as we think we are in this relationship on our own, we’re not, we have a full circle behind us rooting for it to work our in its entirety, we just have to be open and willing to let them help, not just when needed (as in don’t go seeking advice in the aftermath, acknowledge that things could be better and SAY SOMETHING.. read glows and grows if you need an idea on how to start that).

What books do you suggest for relationship advice?