Lift Each Other Up

MV5BMTU2NjgyNjkyMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTI0MjYyMDI@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg (182×268)

So did you see the season finale of HBO’s Insecure?

Did you feel the same way as I did that Lawrence just left Issa after telling her he missed her and wanted to finally talk things through?

How upset were you that he ended up with the bank teller?

Nonplussed that he ended up with her right. It was coming in the long term. She was there supporting him when his actual girlfriend Issa was stuck in her own BS, not communicating with him about how she was feeling in their relationship, not motivating him to get up off the couch and do something with his life.

No, he had some other women in his ear boosting his confidence, making him feel good about his decisions, motivating him to do more.

As his partner, Issa should have done the same.

When you’re in a relationship for the long term, things are not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. SHIT HAPPENS. LIFE HAPPENS. It wont always be pretty. It’s also the tough times that help build solid foundations for you both. You know that you are both willing to communicate and fix the issue, rather than sweep it under the rug and let is fester over the years until you can’t take it anymore.

Tough times are learning situations for you both not ammunition for days when you’re angry at each other. Hurting your significant other should never be a goal. Using past mistakes and faults to hurt them is a NO No too.

I just want to stress the importance of being there for your partner. Supporting and encouraging them with whatever it is they are trying to do. For example my fiance loves playing basketball and wants to play overseas. However due to him getting older that window is getting smaller. He even talked about giving up basketball at one point. Knowing how much he loves ball, I wasn’t having it. SO using my feminine wiles (wink wink) I coaxed him back in to plying ball. Not giving up his dream just yet. Now he’s spending hours in the gym (I’m so loving the results… licking his abs is my favorite pass time lol), he’s balling with his cousins, he’s getting a few offers to play elsewhere. And I am happy that his hard work is being recognized.

Trust me there have been some times when I got jealous of that damn Spalding and I felt like I was secondary to basketball but I’m still there supporting him through the frustration of that damn ball. We have talked about it because it has interfered with our time on a few occasions but that is a topic for another day.

While you may not always agree on everything, ITS FINE. You don’t always have to agree on everything. You did not jump into a relationship with your mirror. It’s healthy to have arguments. But still show up. Show that you care. Give a damn about what your significant other is doing.

Don’t push them away and give someone else a chance to take what you two have been working/building on away.

hands

Communicate. Support. Love each other.

Advertisements

Support! Support! Support!

Its been about a week or so since I last posted (with good reason – LIFE) lol.

But for real its just been a week or 2 of change. Got switched in my classroom assignment at work, celebrated the 4 year anniversary of the non-profit I work with (we launched our mentoring program), spending time with hubby, trying to finish knitting my cousins scarf, and studying… oh, and its mom’s birthday (she’s celebrating in PR.. im jelly since the weather is in the 4os right now)

Any who…

So as you can see I’ve been busy, hubby’s been busy too… so we haven’t seen each other like we want to. However as much as we have not seen each other we still try to talk at least once a day even if its just to leave a voicemail.

We both have our goals we are trying to accomplish and while we want to be with each all the time, like physically in each others space, we know its not going to happen. So we at least make it known to the other what we’re doing and we give each other the support and encouragement we can.

That type of being there for each other is necessary.

You don’t want your partner or other half to fell burdened with their endeavors or feel that you don’t care about whatever it is they’re trying to accomplish. Don’t let them live with what if’s. You don’t live with them either.

You have a goal in mind, set it, take the steps to complete it, conquer and finish it.

Let your partner know why its so important. Let them be your biggest cheerleader. Trust me hearing them say “I’m proud of you” is a great feeling. Having them give you those nudges and helping you stay on track is a huge plus to the success that you’ll share at the end.

Trust me everything is shared.

Motivate and Support Your Partner

Talk. Share. Support.

3 Kisses: You, Me, Us

Cuddling with hubby on the couch after a short study session (taking the GRE for masters program) and he asks for a kiss.

Of course I give him one!

But then he asks for 3 kisses in all. I ask why 3 and he says..

il_fullxfull.301571879.jpg (1296×972)“One for you, One for me, and One for us.” – G.N.

His reasoning is that there are three of us in this relationship. The two of us as separate individuals and the two of us as a whole.  And I wholeheartedly agree with his reasoning.

I always thought of it that way, as in we let each other be individuals in the relationship focusing on getting our own selves together, our individuals goals/hobbies/interests. However,we also focus on bettering ourselves for each other, building each other up, taking apart in each others interest, going from ‘I’ and ‘me’ to ‘we’ and ‘our’.

It’s not as easy as it seems to get into that mindset for some or many. It’s also not easy to lose your sense of self while forming the “we” and “us” and “our”. So the thing that I want you all to remember is that your other half fell in love with you for who you are as an individual, they loved you more for who were together, but its your habits, your ‘you-isms’ that remind them every day of the reasons why they fell in love with you to begin with.

Don’t forget about your self. Don’t let others quiet your voice. If you feel the need to change, then do it for you and no one else. If you’re partner asks why, then say you’re doing it to feel good about yourself. I’m not saying anything drastic like plastic surgery (because God made you beautiful as you are) but a makeover, or wardrobe change, or trying out a new hobby, or going back to school (things like that). If you lost touch with something you once enjoyed , reconnect.

Rediscover who you are, build on who you are.. but also share this with your partner. Don’t leave them out. They are there to support you. Motivate you. Take part in the journey with you. Maybe while trying things out with you they’ll discover something they enjoy as well. Find a new spark or passion for the both of you.

Limefish-Studio-Simply-Handwritten-DIY-Date-Night-Jar-2.jpg (725×544)
Pinterest has great date night ideas!
For example: A friend of mine (who’s getting married in the next few months) has alternating date months with her fiance, where they chose something the haven’t done before (dance lessons, cooking lessons, paint night, play, new restaurant, weekend getaway) and just go with it. I love her enthusiasm with it and its always something new and creative.

 

So its never just you, like hubby said, there’s you, there’s me, and there’s us!

How do you keep your sense of self alive while taking part in your relationship?

5 Love Languages

A great way to learn how to talk to your partner or just to learn the semantics behind their thoughts and actions concerning your relationship and their relationship with others…. is to learn their love language.

How do they express themselves towards you and others? How do they feel is the best way to receive love from others?

Learning their love language is a great tool in stopping many arguments based on quality time and physical touch; words of affirmation and acts of service or receiving gifts.

Take the the quiz here to find out the love language for your partner

Also The 5 Love Languagestake time to read the book to get a more in depth understanding of your love language and your pThe 5 Love Languages for Menartners love language. Also for the MEN out there, there is a love language book for you too ( I think i’ll get hubby a copy!)

Luckily hubby and I have similar love languages. Quality time is huge for both of us since we currently live apart at the moment. While physical touch follows closely behind.

Physical touch is a need for us.

With only getting time to be physically intimate on some weekends due to our schedules, just being able to sit and hold hands or rub/caress each other becomes important. To us touch is just about everything. Its calming. Brings a new breath into our lives before spending another hectic week apart. Being able to hold onto each other in a hug or a cuddle is relaxing. I’ll find myself just trailing my fingers along his skin, almost in a trance, and he just sits there with his eyes closed, body slowly unwinding from all the tension of work and working out. A kiss on the forehead when i catch his eye. He’ll play with my fingers, kiss them.

And we’ll be happy in that moment.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for words of affirmation but it took me awhile to get to that point of receiving compliments and praise and hearing how much he loves me. I wasn’t used to it. Having never gotten it in the way that he does it before. I was so bashful and amazed that he could express himself so freely around me while it took me weeks to realize that I could tell him i loved him too. After analyzing and over-analyzing my feelings for him. Also had to write it out. And that’s where we differ. His words of affirmation are verbal while mine are written. But we interchange accordingly.

Acts of service is something that we both work on as we grow. To offer help as the other needs it. To take up chores while the other is tired or stressing. To divide tasks to get things done more quickly. To go with your partner for a walk while they clear their head. To keep them motivated while they strive for their goals. Make coffee/tea snack while their work hard on a project. Be silent while they vent. Get tissue for tears. Cheer them on while they workout. Its all there.

Receiving gifts is not a big language for us. Though it is nice to get something, its more of something that we need more than something we want. For example hubby went to Uniqlo to pick up some new sweats and T’s and I’ve been meaning to go pick up their heat tech leggings for the winter. He called and asked if I wanted him to pick up anything while he was there so i asked him for the leggings and socks. Simple. Another example was our first Christmas together, before we started dating actually, and we exchanged gifts. He got me a book I’ve been looking for and I got him a flask with a set of 4 shot glasses and a funnel.  Honestly, our only Christmas of exchanging gifts. not that we haven’t asked each other but we don’t feel the need to get anything because we just want to be able to spend time together (our biggest love language is quality time).

What are you and your partners love languages? How do you keep that feeling alive in your relationship?

Think about.

Basics: Communication

My first three posts were all about communication because its important and I believe that it is the basis of a good relationship.

I believe it is the key to everything.

While actions speak louder than words at times, it is still better to talk things through because some actions might not always be what we think they are.

Most of us would not have made it this far into our relationships with actions alone. While words can hurt, they can also be revealing and truthful.  Be honest with yourself and your partner. Let them know what’s on your mind, how you feel, and how they’re making you feel.

Saying it is just as important as showing it.

While its not always easy to voice things out give yourself time to think about what you want to say, how you want to say it and when. The ‘when’ can be tricky though. It took me a good week or two to tell my fiance that I thought about suicide once when I got sick. The pain was that great those first two days that I just wanted it to end. I didn’t but still it crossed my mind.

While I didn’t HAVE to say anything to him, I NEEDED to and I WANTED to because we share everything with each other, there are no real secrets, just things in our past that are irrelevant to our future. We think we know each other better than others but we still have a lot to LEARN about each other.

I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that.

I know that conversations won’t always be easy. Hell it took me a week to admit my feelings to myself after he told me he was falling in love with me… then another week to be able to say it out loud and to his face.

Communication takes time. The ease of it takes time. And time is something that you two will have before you take that big leap. Or at least to consider in your relationship now.

As terrifying as it is to speak up its okay once I know we have the same fears or he reassures me that he has my back and we’ll make it through together.

But talking out loud doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes writing gets the job done better. That’s fine. You can create a communication book where everything you need to say can be written down. Trade it with your partner. Let them inside your head. Let he/she respond. Go back and forth until it becomes tiresome and all you wanna do is talk it out cause your hands are cramping and you’re developing carpal tunnel, LOL.

Either way you’re “talking” to each other.

And that’s the start.